julie and julia

You know that feeling that you get in your stomach when you're scared?
That burning feeling, like the acid is trying to burn right through your skin?

The first time I ever felt that was when I was in grade 7. I had been climbing over the bathroom stall walls in the basement of my elementary school, following my best friend, just doing it for fun. Right as I'm slipping over a wall, laughing to myself, the gym teacher comes in. Next thing I know, I'm sitting in front of the principle listening to her say "give me one good reason why I shouldn't suspend you."
At the time, I didn't understand that it was perposterous to get in trouble to that extent for climbing over bathroom stall walls in an empty bathroom, so I pulled the whole "everyone makes mistakes" speech.
But now, 17 years old, about to graduate grade 12, that feeling has come back. The burning acidic feeling of fear. There's no speech I could give to talk my way out of what I've done. I find myself looking forward to sleep, because I know that I can't worry if I'm not awake, and that scares me. The fact that I look forward to the unconscious abiss of my mind - I'm worried about what it might lead to.
Why am I writing this on the internet? Because there is no one to talk to. This is my only outlet - the annonymous world wide web.